Somethings Never Change
I want! I want! I want! Now since I've received nothing that I've wanted I'm giving up. Surrendering to everything. I tell people that if your God will bring you to it, he will bring you through it. Then in my own damn life I see the shadow of things and I cringe and want to hide. Where am I going to go now? I just hit 3 yrs sober, should I just throw all that damn hardwork away? I think not. I worked my ass off to straighten out so much of my messed up thinking and I still have a long way to go.
I can't keep running from the fear because it will keep me from growing. The problem is that I've walked through some of my fears and I still have things that I have to face. There are days when I feel alone, useless, and then just out of sorts because I have this huge mountain that I need to face and I'm sitting at the base of the mountain crying. Crying because I can't see what's next. Crying because I can't CONTROL what's next or how it's going to happen or what the result is going to be. So now what? Sit on my ass go no where and be content with discontent? I think not.
I'm a little angry this morning because there are things that need to get done and I'm being helpless not HOPELESS. I claim I have a God, so why not ask for what I need and not what I want. I claim that I'm in love with my God, so why not trust him. I claim that I use the tools that AA has provided me - well then why in the hell am I not using what has been given to me as a way to get through life?
I have the excuse for all these questions and the moral of my problems, FEAR. Fear and doubt are the faith killers that will keep you down so long that eventually there is surrender but some go back to their old way of thinking and acting. Well now let's do the math....I have a job with benefits that's why my happy ass can afford the doctor's, therapists, meds, etc. I remember when my ass couldn't buy a job. I have an income, state short term disability, but hell it's still a way for my daughter and I to eat, have gas, and a place to live damn it. I have people that know me and friends from various meetings in 3 counties. We never met before this program but we
recognize that we are all the same underneath the ego of past. That support system has gotten me through many days when I did want to give up and leave a crazy world -- mine!!
My fear of failure has crippled me long enough. I have a huge resentment about all the meds that I need to take for one fricken job that literally drives me CRAZY. But I'm putting myself back in the position that God originally had me in, holding on to my ass because it just might get bumpy from here. My sponsor says that I have an identity crisis...I think I'm god but God is telling me I'm not. I tend to forget that new employer part of recovery. My only responsibility is to remain sober, attend meetings, work with other alcoholics, and keep my side of the street clean. Much easier than trying to solve my life issues.
I still have hope today and that is the most important thing. If I would have lost hope I would have given up on me. For this alcoholic that is the ultimate failure. One that I may not have recovered from so easily or if at all. So I follow steps 1, 2, 3 and with the shoe string faith that I'm holding onto for my very life, I'm not giving up or giving in. I'm going forward if new wounds are opened then so be it. If old wounds are healed, so be it. All I know is I'm doing what this program has taught me when I get depressed, anxious, and frustrated take the steps because the elevator is broken. Besides, I have a sponsor that loves to listen to me whine then she get a good chuckle for the day. So at least I'm being of service some how. LOL
F A I T H = Facing An Inner Truth Heals.
Crossroads, Inc. is a non-profit, drug and alcohol recovery, organization located in beautiful Phoenix, Arizona. Crossroads is a Level Four transitional facility licensed by the State of Arizona. The Crossroads program addresses the physical, emotional and spiritual aspects of alcoholism or drug addiction, by providing food, shelter, 12 step structure and discipline. We can help you find direction to sober living. Pick up the phone and call us: 602-279-2585. Visit our website at: http://sober360.com
I can't keep running from the fear because it will keep me from growing. The problem is that I've walked through some of my fears and I still have things that I have to face. There are days when I feel alone, useless, and then just out of sorts because I have this huge mountain that I need to face and I'm sitting at the base of the mountain crying. Crying because I can't see what's next. Crying because I can't CONTROL what's next or how it's going to happen or what the result is going to be. So now what? Sit on my ass go no where and be content with discontent? I think not.
I'm a little angry this morning because there are things that need to get done and I'm being helpless not HOPELESS. I claim I have a God, so why not ask for what I need and not what I want. I claim that I'm in love with my God, so why not trust him. I claim that I use the tools that AA has provided me - well then why in the hell am I not using what has been given to me as a way to get through life?
I have the excuse for all these questions and the moral of my problems, FEAR. Fear and doubt are the faith killers that will keep you down so long that eventually there is surrender but some go back to their old way of thinking and acting. Well now let's do the math....I have a job with benefits that's why my happy ass can afford the doctor's, therapists, meds, etc. I remember when my ass couldn't buy a job. I have an income, state short term disability, but hell it's still a way for my daughter and I to eat, have gas, and a place to live damn it. I have people that know me and friends from various meetings in 3 counties. We never met before this program but we
recognize that we are all the same underneath the ego of past. That support system has gotten me through many days when I did want to give up and leave a crazy world -- mine!!
My fear of failure has crippled me long enough. I have a huge resentment about all the meds that I need to take for one fricken job that literally drives me CRAZY. But I'm putting myself back in the position that God originally had me in, holding on to my ass because it just might get bumpy from here. My sponsor says that I have an identity crisis...I think I'm god but God is telling me I'm not. I tend to forget that new employer part of recovery. My only responsibility is to remain sober, attend meetings, work with other alcoholics, and keep my side of the street clean. Much easier than trying to solve my life issues.
I still have hope today and that is the most important thing. If I would have lost hope I would have given up on me. For this alcoholic that is the ultimate failure. One that I may not have recovered from so easily or if at all. So I follow steps 1, 2, 3 and with the shoe string faith that I'm holding onto for my very life, I'm not giving up or giving in. I'm going forward if new wounds are opened then so be it. If old wounds are healed, so be it. All I know is I'm doing what this program has taught me when I get depressed, anxious, and frustrated take the steps because the elevator is broken. Besides, I have a sponsor that loves to listen to me whine then she get a good chuckle for the day. So at least I'm being of service some how. LOL
F A I T H = Facing An Inner Truth Heals.
Crossroads, Inc. is a non-profit, drug and alcohol recovery, organization located in beautiful Phoenix, Arizona. Crossroads is a Level Four transitional facility licensed by the State of Arizona. The Crossroads program addresses the physical, emotional and spiritual aspects of alcoholism or drug addiction, by providing food, shelter, 12 step structure and discipline. We can help you find direction to sober living. Pick up the phone and call us: 602-279-2585. Visit our website at: http://sober360.com
posted by Prescilla at
9:44 AM
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