It gets better
If I continue to search and diligently believe that I am worthy of the blessings of my God, my time will come.
You know in step one we were afraid to come to the realization that we had a problem. Our disease (addiction) told us that we could always do more we just needed more money or someone else that we can use to get the money for that next high. Even then God was there to protect us and rescue us.
Changing that negative thinking was the hard part for me. I had to rearrange all the thoughts in my head. Those negative tapes of "you are not good enough", "you are not pretty enough", "you are not going to succeed because all you do is fail" we running 24/7. I had actually thought that I was not good enough to exist in my child's life. I was afraid that she would see through the exterior of smoke and mirrors that I had for everyone else.
Then I come to these rooms and I need to change the inside to reflect on the outside. WHAT!! No smoke and mirrors with the biggest lies known to man and beast? What type of existence is that? I would be vulnerable. My heart would be on display for anyone to just hurt. Talk about afraid to take down the walls of fear.
See there are many reasons that we bury our pain and do nothing. We just hold it all in and plow ahead as though nothing's wrong, but inside we can feel the pressure building. An important step that my sponsor made sure I understood was resistance of my own authenticity (being honest with myself). I wasn't lying to anyone but myself. That doesn't make the process any easier, in fact, some ways it's harder because after a while we believe the lie and not the truth. What sucks about that is WE STARTED THE FRICKEN LIE!!
Old habits had to die hard. Some of them need to be fought with the power of my God on a daily basis. But damn it I refuse to believe myself to be unworthy of the blessings of God.
- I have a habit of ignoring and stuffing my hurt in such a way that I've developed a pattern without even realizing it. (the lie I tell myself - it's ok I can't show my feelings)
- I have pride that will just not die - easily. I have an image of strength and womanliness that I must present to people at all times. Disclosing my wounds or vulnerabilities even my emotions would be embarrassing. I would feel like I'm being judged.
- Ignorance of not having any idea how or where to start to remove the lies I've told myself about myself over the years. I don't know about you but I never had anyone in my life that modeled or showed me how to be honest about what's going on inside.
- The biggest killer of them all FEAR. If I open up and expose who I am people will loose respect for me, reject me, laugh at me all of this would lead to more hurt.
At the beginning of recovery, with all this running through my head I was ready to run for the damn door. The problem with that was I had no where else to run. No one to turn to that could offer help. The rooms were the only safe haven for me. I related to almost all the misfits. Hell it was like sitting in a room full of different versions of ME. That should have been enough to let me know I was in the right place. Then I had to grow a brain and tell myself that I didn't look like anyone in these rooms. I'm not that bad. Now I guess I should mention my first meeting I was about 3 sheets to the wind and wondering why in the hell anyone would give up drinking.When we refuse to admit our powerlessness we are only deceiving ourselves. It's a dangerous self deception that often leads to death.
I'm worthy today because I've worked with my God, my sponsor and other's in the program that helped me to realize that it was me, myself, and I that needed to heal from years of deception. It has taken the courage that my God has supplied to me on a daily basis to face my wreckage, my pain, my fears, and my life. It has taken the wisdom of my God to re-learn how to live life honestly and openly. Knowing that I am enough for whatever may come my direction. It has taken the strength of my God to get me through the storms of life that so easily come into my life. I no longer tell God how big the storm is, I tell the storm how big my God is.
My God loved me before the foundation of the world. He knew how I was going to be when I came to realize that it has been his mercy and grace keeping me my entire life. I can't change the past but I can grow from it.
Today I know that if I keep my happy ass out of the way my God can work in my life. My perfect plans are a perfect mess in the sight of God. I will be 3 years recovered Sept 25, I live today knowing that even the worst fear can be faced with the help of my God. God will choose what we go through but it is up to us how we go through it.
Crossroads, Inc. is a non-profit, drug and alcohol recovery, organization located in beautiful Phoenix, Arizona. Crossroads is a Level Four transitional facility licensed by the State of Arizona. The Crossroads program addresses the physical, emotional and spiritual aspects of alcoholism or drug addiction, by providing food, shelter, 12 step structure and discipline. We can help you find direction to sober living. Pick up the phone and call us: 602-279-2585. Visit our website at: http://sober360.com
You know in step one we were afraid to come to the realization that we had a problem. Our disease (addiction) told us that we could always do more we just needed more money or someone else that we can use to get the money for that next high. Even then God was there to protect us and rescue us.
Changing that negative thinking was the hard part for me. I had to rearrange all the thoughts in my head. Those negative tapes of "you are not good enough", "you are not pretty enough", "you are not going to succeed because all you do is fail" we running 24/7. I had actually thought that I was not good enough to exist in my child's life. I was afraid that she would see through the exterior of smoke and mirrors that I had for everyone else.
Then I come to these rooms and I need to change the inside to reflect on the outside. WHAT!! No smoke and mirrors with the biggest lies known to man and beast? What type of existence is that? I would be vulnerable. My heart would be on display for anyone to just hurt. Talk about afraid to take down the walls of fear.
See there are many reasons that we bury our pain and do nothing. We just hold it all in and plow ahead as though nothing's wrong, but inside we can feel the pressure building. An important step that my sponsor made sure I understood was resistance of my own authenticity (being honest with myself). I wasn't lying to anyone but myself. That doesn't make the process any easier, in fact, some ways it's harder because after a while we believe the lie and not the truth. What sucks about that is WE STARTED THE FRICKEN LIE!!
Old habits had to die hard. Some of them need to be fought with the power of my God on a daily basis. But damn it I refuse to believe myself to be unworthy of the blessings of God.
- I have a habit of ignoring and stuffing my hurt in such a way that I've developed a pattern without even realizing it. (the lie I tell myself - it's ok I can't show my feelings)
- I have pride that will just not die - easily. I have an image of strength and womanliness that I must present to people at all times. Disclosing my wounds or vulnerabilities even my emotions would be embarrassing. I would feel like I'm being judged.
- Ignorance of not having any idea how or where to start to remove the lies I've told myself about myself over the years. I don't know about you but I never had anyone in my life that modeled or showed me how to be honest about what's going on inside.
- The biggest killer of them all FEAR. If I open up and expose who I am people will loose respect for me, reject me, laugh at me all of this would lead to more hurt.
At the beginning of recovery, with all this running through my head I was ready to run for the damn door. The problem with that was I had no where else to run. No one to turn to that could offer help. The rooms were the only safe haven for me. I related to almost all the misfits. Hell it was like sitting in a room full of different versions of ME. That should have been enough to let me know I was in the right place. Then I had to grow a brain and tell myself that I didn't look like anyone in these rooms. I'm not that bad. Now I guess I should mention my first meeting I was about 3 sheets to the wind and wondering why in the hell anyone would give up drinking.When we refuse to admit our powerlessness we are only deceiving ourselves. It's a dangerous self deception that often leads to death.
I'm worthy today because I've worked with my God, my sponsor and other's in the program that helped me to realize that it was me, myself, and I that needed to heal from years of deception. It has taken the courage that my God has supplied to me on a daily basis to face my wreckage, my pain, my fears, and my life. It has taken the wisdom of my God to re-learn how to live life honestly and openly. Knowing that I am enough for whatever may come my direction. It has taken the strength of my God to get me through the storms of life that so easily come into my life. I no longer tell God how big the storm is, I tell the storm how big my God is.
My God loved me before the foundation of the world. He knew how I was going to be when I came to realize that it has been his mercy and grace keeping me my entire life. I can't change the past but I can grow from it.
Today I know that if I keep my happy ass out of the way my God can work in my life. My perfect plans are a perfect mess in the sight of God. I will be 3 years recovered Sept 25, I live today knowing that even the worst fear can be faced with the help of my God. God will choose what we go through but it is up to us how we go through it.
Crossroads, Inc. is a non-profit, drug and alcohol recovery, organization located in beautiful Phoenix, Arizona. Crossroads is a Level Four transitional facility licensed by the State of Arizona. The Crossroads program addresses the physical, emotional and spiritual aspects of alcoholism or drug addiction, by providing food, shelter, 12 step structure and discipline. We can help you find direction to sober living. Pick up the phone and call us: 602-279-2585. Visit our website at: http://sober360.com
posted by Prescilla at
9:45 PM
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